Day 1
Somehow I made it through day 1. . . and I am physically and mentally exhausted. It was a tough day and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would have yelled had I not promised myself that I wouldn't. But I didn't use any of my tips or tricks to help me not yell. I kept everything bottled up inside and I can feel the knots running up and down my back. I can feel the tightness in my jaw. I can feel my head pounding.
I know why I yell now. I haven't learned to express my emotions in a healthy way. Whether it is nature or nurture, I am a bottler. I bottle everything up inside of me. Eventually when you shake the bottle enough, it will explode. I have used a few things in the past trying to help me not explode (alcohol, weed, essential oils, yoga, prayer) but none of these things actually helped because none of them actually helped me communicate my thoughts/feelings. They were just more ways to build the bottle bigger. But I don't need a bigger bottle. My bottle is actually plenty big. I just need to learn how to release the emotions without yelling.
In the past, I was able to bottle things up without exploding because I had enough down-time to release the pressure. But there is no down time now. I need to find another way to release the pressure. And the healthiest way is to learn to communicate with my kids. Talk so they will listen and listen so they will talk. I think that is actually a title to a book that I probably own because I own every parenting book trying to get my kids under control. But my kids are actually great kids. They are just kids. Learning and exploring. They don't always want to do the right thing and they certainly haven't learned to express themselves - they have a terrible example in me and their brains are still growing.
But after today, I am super hopeful that I can do this. The Orange Rhino said that she made it 8 days the first time she tried this challenge. I really hope that I will make it that far the first time. I know I will fail. But the hope is that I won't fail too badly. I'm enjoying the book so far and have found her stories more helpful than her actual tips. Just hearing someone has done this, that it is do able, is the biggest motivator ever. She did recommend that you ask others for support. I know that I need to do that. I am terrible at asking for help. I know a few people I can talk to about this, but I am not sure that Hannah is old enough to actually help me in the same way her boys helped her. Part of it is maturity, but I think part of it is that I don't generally lose my cool till she has lost hers. And then we are both throwing a tantrum. I am too old for tantrums.
Writing about this is a huge release for me. I have always felt the need to write but for some reason my desire to write something important has stopped me from writing anything at all. But I can see how writing (journaling) is so cathartic. It has really relaxed me and has given me a chance to come back to myself. I feel my breaths getting steadier and deeper. I can feel my back relax. I can feel my eye lids getting heavy. I am ready to put this day behind me and move on. But not move on in a bad way - I don't mean that today was awful and I just want it to end. I've had so many of those days. But just move on and see what tomorrow brings. Tomorrow is a blank slate. I didn't screw up today so I'm very hopeful for tomorrow. I have day 1 down. I feel like day 1 is the hardest. Making the decision to not yell was scary. But taking that first step - proving to myself that I could do it, was even more scary. Because now I know that I CAN do it. I have no excuses now. If I fail it's because I am choosing to fail. I know that isn't 100% true because I still have to learn to communicate before I can be more confident about this. But I can hold it together when I have to. I have seen myself succeed.
I know why I yell now. I haven't learned to express my emotions in a healthy way. Whether it is nature or nurture, I am a bottler. I bottle everything up inside of me. Eventually when you shake the bottle enough, it will explode. I have used a few things in the past trying to help me not explode (alcohol, weed, essential oils, yoga, prayer) but none of these things actually helped because none of them actually helped me communicate my thoughts/feelings. They were just more ways to build the bottle bigger. But I don't need a bigger bottle. My bottle is actually plenty big. I just need to learn how to release the emotions without yelling.
In the past, I was able to bottle things up without exploding because I had enough down-time to release the pressure. But there is no down time now. I need to find another way to release the pressure. And the healthiest way is to learn to communicate with my kids. Talk so they will listen and listen so they will talk. I think that is actually a title to a book that I probably own because I own every parenting book trying to get my kids under control. But my kids are actually great kids. They are just kids. Learning and exploring. They don't always want to do the right thing and they certainly haven't learned to express themselves - they have a terrible example in me and their brains are still growing.
But after today, I am super hopeful that I can do this. The Orange Rhino said that she made it 8 days the first time she tried this challenge. I really hope that I will make it that far the first time. I know I will fail. But the hope is that I won't fail too badly. I'm enjoying the book so far and have found her stories more helpful than her actual tips. Just hearing someone has done this, that it is do able, is the biggest motivator ever. She did recommend that you ask others for support. I know that I need to do that. I am terrible at asking for help. I know a few people I can talk to about this, but I am not sure that Hannah is old enough to actually help me in the same way her boys helped her. Part of it is maturity, but I think part of it is that I don't generally lose my cool till she has lost hers. And then we are both throwing a tantrum. I am too old for tantrums.
Writing about this is a huge release for me. I have always felt the need to write but for some reason my desire to write something important has stopped me from writing anything at all. But I can see how writing (journaling) is so cathartic. It has really relaxed me and has given me a chance to come back to myself. I feel my breaths getting steadier and deeper. I can feel my back relax. I can feel my eye lids getting heavy. I am ready to put this day behind me and move on. But not move on in a bad way - I don't mean that today was awful and I just want it to end. I've had so many of those days. But just move on and see what tomorrow brings. Tomorrow is a blank slate. I didn't screw up today so I'm very hopeful for tomorrow. I have day 1 down. I feel like day 1 is the hardest. Making the decision to not yell was scary. But taking that first step - proving to myself that I could do it, was even more scary. Because now I know that I CAN do it. I have no excuses now. If I fail it's because I am choosing to fail. I know that isn't 100% true because I still have to learn to communicate before I can be more confident about this. But I can hold it together when I have to. I have seen myself succeed.
Comments
Post a Comment