Love Like A Hug

It seems strange that my having a third kid feels like a second chance at becoming a mom. I'm already a mom two times over, so that statement probably doesn't make any sense, but it's how I feel. And that probably has more to do with my recent miscarriage and the possibility of losing this one after a super scary bleeding scenario. On Saturday morning I was laying in bed waiting for the miscarriage to start after having experienced a big gush of bright red blood. It was scary on so many levels. The first was that I was expecting to lose another baby - a baby that I want more than anything. The second was the fear that I might not be able to have any more kids. The third was the imminent pain - the first was very painful and that baby only measured 6 weeks. I couldn't imagine the pain coming for a baby measuring 10 weeks. I was also terrified that I might actually SEE the baby too. That would be devastating. But after about two hours of laying around with nothing sta...

For the past two weeks or so there have been a lot of frustrations with the littlest one. Mornings are really tough - mainly because she isn't sleeping enough at night, gets hungry easily, and can't fully communicate what she needs. she goes from 0 - tantrum in less than 2 seconds. I guess we are heading into the terrible twos. And unfortunately I haven't been the most understanding. I have been getting frustrated very easily and have probably made things much worse. It is so hard communicating with someone who can't actually communicate effectively. It's so frustrating trying to understand in 100 different ways and the person you are communicating with just gets more and more upset because you aren't understanding.  I need to remember that this is all part of growing up and the more understanding and loving I am, the better our relationship will be when it's all over. I need to change my perspective on this. I know that it's coming, I know that it i...

I really want to go phone free for a while. I need to cut the cord and separate myself from the outside and really start focusing on myself and my own life. I am constantly reaching out for other things and to other people for some sort of validation. I feel so pushed down in my own life that I am looking for some way to climb up and out and to have a voice. But the phone is actually causing me to lose more of my own life because I am spending too much time focusing on the lives of other people in this "imaginary" world. I don't even see my own life in front of me. But the flip side of that is that I feel so bored in my life  - my brain is seriously mush. It's empty. I use my phone just to give my brain something to do. Not that there isn't plenty of stuff around here to do. But again, it's about the connection, about education, about quiet. It's a way for me to lose myself in my own world in the middle of the boring. stressful, empty chaos that surr...

For some reason there is nothing that helps me more than writing. There is so much noise swirling around me that I don't have a chance to listen to my own self. I'm constantly being pulled in every direction, listening to everyone else that it's impossible to find time to listen to myself. When my brain needs a break from all the noise I try to turn my brain off - or give my brain a break - by turning to my phone. But the problem is that I am stuffing more into my brain than actually dumping stuff out. In some ways I NEED my phone for this because I NEED more connection than I am getting in life. But my phone isn't actually allowing me a chance to think for myself. It's not allowing me that ME time that I actually need. I have been racking my brain for a hobby - something that I can do that is just mine. A chance for me to relax and take a break. But nothing is actually coming to mind. The only thing that seems to keep me even remotely sane is writing. For some ...

I have zero follow through. I mean, zero. I get really excited about something and will throw my whole self into it for a while, then I just give up and leave it alone. Even things that I really, really want to do. I've been doing some research on it and I'm wondering if maybe it's part of my depression???? This one site said it has a lot to do with your personality and had mentioned this book that I am maybe going to get a chance to read one day. But I'm not really ready to do that just yet. So I'm trying to find tips and tricks to add to my day that will help me follow through with something. One suggestion was to make your day like a latter where what you normally do - want to do do really bad - is at the top of the ladder and you add the things you want to become a habit as the bottom rungs. She used the example of getting more exercise and drinking more water as something she wanted to do. The thing that she always did, and really wanted to do was eat lunch. ...

I have suffered from mild depression since I was 18. Writing that actually makes me cringe because that means that I have had depression for 20 years. None of it has been medicated. And I think that is probably a huge problem for me. With my previous pregnancies and post partum periods I know that I have had PPD, but due to the medical crap hole of kaiser mental health I was never treated. One thing I really like about my current Doc is that their office will treat/medicate as needed without having to jump through hoops. Assuming that I stay with this doc, I am going to try the medication. I know that I need it and I really think that it will help. But until then, I find myself losing myself. Staying at home is not really good for my mental health. I need more to do and more interaction in order to have a healthy outlook on life. That isn't to say that I don't love my kids and that I want to be away from them all day, because I definitely do not, but I am turning to mush just...