Love Like A Hug

So this is the farthest I've gotten so far. I don't know why it was so hard to get 4 days without yelling at my kids but somehow it was. Although I don't think I actually yelled at them all those times I had to start over. Some were just frustrated rants, but the effect is still the same. Not nice mommy being not nice to her kids. Either way it was completely unacceptable. But the good news is that I still haven't wanted to yell. But the Orange Rhino had a good suggestion of paying attention to your body's warning signals for when you feel a yell coming. I think that is a great idea. Go inside yourself and see what you are feeling - a great way to turn the frustration around and perhaps help you see it before it gets to that point of wanting to yell. That is a great goal in all of this. Recognize the signs and stop them before they get out of hand.

So I'm only half way into day 3 but I feel much better this time around. I'm still getting stressed but for some reason the urge to yell hasn't come up. I've definitely gotten frustrated and I've gotten annoyed and my kids have totally acted like kids, BUT my desire to yell is just gone. I'm not nieve in thinking that it will always be gone but for right now, it is. Orange Rhino tip for yesterday was to ask yourself WHY you felt like yelling. What she learned was that when she asked her self WHY, she realized that it was her own issues that made her want to yell, not the kid's behavior. And I think that is true for me too. I'm too busy and too stressed to take a step back and spend the few minutes my kids need to meet their needs. Or I'm too busy to take the time that they need to catch up to what I'm doing or need them to do. And that really isn't their fault at all. They are just kids being kids. In other news, I ordered a new planner. ...

I have completely fallen off the food budget wagon. I got lazy. I got complacent. I stopped caring. I also felt a bit defeated. I had read so many stories about moms who have cut their grocery budget in half. Families of 5 who spend less than $100/week on food (including paper products)! I was doing so well for so long and then I just gave up because I couldn't get it to where I wanted it. I didn't spend the time organizing everything so I could know if something was a good deal or not. I have plenty of time to sit and organize my list and make things work for us. I'm just being lazy. I'm learning that part of loving your family is taking care of them financially. I am not the money-maker in the family but my job of making the money last is just as important. Dave Ramsey says something about the stay-at-home mom being the CFO of the family, and I have done a horrible job of it so far. I would fire me if I managed my money like this. I CAN do better. I need to do bette...

It seems like I have found myself pregnant again - for the fourth time. Unfortunately I only have two live children. My last pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage. The baby passed at 6 weeks, but I didn't find out until week 10. It was another two weeks before my body finally passed the baby - week 12. The week when you are pretty much "out of the woods" So now at week 5, I'm finding it impossible to really believe that I am pregnant with a live being. I don't have any faith in my body any more. And every ping, pang, and zing has me convinced that the miscarriage has started. But a part of me doesn't believe that I will actually have a regular miscarriage. IF I have another one, it will be another missed MC. My body really likes being pregnant and it will do everything it can to hold onto that. Last time my MC didn't start until my brain knew it was over. It was a classic case of your brain convincing your body. The past few days I was feeling nausea...

I feel like this is the last day I will start over. I really hope so. Yesterday was another day where I got in my own way. I got frustrated at absolutely nothing and reacted very poorly. Over NOTHING! I used to think that I only got mad when my kids reacted badly, but in reality I get frustrated when my kids act like kids. A part of me feels like I never really got to act like a kid. Not that I never got to run around and have fun, but that I was never allowed to act out the way most kids do at some point. After reading some more of the book - which I should have been doing all along - I learned a few more tips: 1) Yell into a cupboard, purse, toilet, etc. Basically, yell at anything other than your kids. I'm not really sure that I will do this, because I'm not sure I can control myself enough to actually yell somewhere else, but it seems like a great idea and something I can try to do when I have reached my boiling point and can't stop myself. 2) Post orange sticky no...

It seems like one thing I'm learning through this process is that I'm not really that tough. I'm not like a strong sky scraper pushing back against the wind. I'm more like a willow weed, very bendy and flowy. I guess I always knew that I was bendy and flowy, but I didn't realize how that could affect my life in such a negative way. Sometimes you have to be firm and tough to get what you want in life. I need to be more firm and tough in so many different areas of my life. I feel like it isn't really in my nature to be firm so when my soft and loving nature doesn't get me what I want/need I get frustrated and angry. I'm not very good at setting and enforcing boundaries so whenever they get pushed or crossed I get really upset and lash out at the other person for not respecting them. But in actuality I am not respecting them. I am not the one who is enforcing them, so why should other people respect them? People will treat you how you let them. If you...

I made it almost 2 full days. (For no good reason, I didn't blog about 1.5)  I need to start reading more of that book and start putting more of it into practice. I also need to stick to the consequences more/faster. I need to remind about the rules. I also need to stop and get down on her level more and actually talk to her. The other thing that I really need to do is TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I know that it is so cliche to say that but I never take care of myself. I have been better about eating more often and about drinking more water. But I need to exercise a bit more and get those endorphins flowing. I feel so much better today after working out a few minutes. I really need to figure out a way to get my mental health under better management. I know that writing is huge for me. Not only does it remind me of my goals but it also helps me unload many of my feelings. It also helps clear my mind of other things that might be blocking me. Its amazing how the thoughts just flow when I s...

I swear I'm going to lose it. I know that one of my triggers is the way she talks to me. It is so rude and demanding. I know that part of it is that I let her. I know that I let her, in part, because it's such a fight to get her into time out. And part of it - well, it goes along with the first, is that we have to be quiet in the house, and throwing a fit during time out just doesn't work. The other part about this is that I thought it was just a phase and that talking nicely back to her would eventually turn everything around. But it never did that. I was attributing this behavior to her age and let way too much slide. And now I'm so sick and tired of it that I don't talk very nicely back to her. I get rude and short and easily frustrated with her behavior. It makes me not want to be around her at all. And then things get compounded because I'm already extremely annoyed with her behavior. I need to start looking into dealing with this more. Ok, I totally ...

Otherwise known as the impossible journey to keeping your life clean and simple. Like most people, I have read Marie Kondo's book The Life changing Magic of Tidying Up . And like most people, I became inspired. I wanted my life to change! I needed the magic that she was experiencing. I loved the look of comfy minimalism and I wanted that hygge feeling that it inspired. Plus, I wanted to do less house work and the fewer things I had to clean the better it would be! But in all my excitement I completely forgot that I had a family. Yes, for one brief moment, I forgot that I had kids. I was so excited about having a clean and simple life that I forgot that children create mess; that is their job. They create chaos simply by being alive. And you can't really fault them for it, but it can still be quite frustrating. I jumped onto pintrest and looked up "KonMarie with kids" and i found pages and pages full of tips and ideas on how to manage the method with little ones...

Part of not going crazy on your kids is making sure that you aren't going crazy yourself. Being a stay at home mom (SAHM) can be really hard for a type A personality and also for someone who likes to stay busy. I't really hard to stay busy all the time as a SAHM (especially as a SAHM in a rural setting with no local family/friends) The bloggersphere of moms tells us it's important to have a schedule and to have friends and to take care of ourselves. But that is really hard to put into practice. Lets break it down: A schedule - the say that it's important to have a schedule to keep your sanity. I totally agree. However, when you have little kids, your schedule isn't all that interesting. Wake up, have coffee, watch your kids play inside, have breakfast, watch your kids play outside, have lunch, nap time, watch your kids play outside, watch your kids play inside, dinner, bath, watch your kids play, bedtime - isn't all that great for an adult brain. We have a s...

So I successfully made it through a second day without yelling at my kids. Or anyone else for that matter. I want to say that it was easy - or even that it was hard, but I managed. The real truth is that I probably just got lucky. It was an average day with average frustrations. I think having made the decision not to yell probably stuck in the back of my mind and helped keep me a bit calmer.  The other thing is that I really just had a lot on my mind today. I was too self absorbed to really allow anything else to bother me. One thing I have noticed is that I do yell to get their attention too often. And it really doesn't work. They either just ignore me completely or they just look at me first, then ignore me. Yelling their name doesn't stop them from hurting each other or from doing something naughty. I need to look back at my list and see what might work - maybe singing really loudly? Clapping definitely doesn't work either. I would whistle but I can't and even if ...

OK, so I have to restart all over again today. I didn't end up writing about yesterday. It was so bad that I just went to bed when it was all over. Luckily I didn't scream or yell at the kids. So today is a new day all around. Let's see how it goes. . . Ugh. . . I hate this age! A simple time out for back talking should have been so easy. Instead it turned into a screamfest and resulted in her TV getting taken away again. She has no idea how to calm herself down once she gets into that state. But she also will not allow me near her to help comfort her and help her settle down. Not sure exactly what to do about this. So the rest of the day went ok. It almost seems like she needs to push the boundaries at least once a day.  . .? but maybe that has more to do with her being tired and/or hungry? Once the line was drawn and "mean mom" came out she settles back down into her normal self. The other thing that I noticed is that she really needs someone to listen bet...

Why does this have to be so hard? So far I don't have to restart tomorrow. Although maybe I should??? H was acting out a bit and then threw a major fit when I took away her TV privledges for the morning. That turned into a major temper tantrum and she ended up hitting E on the head for which she then needed a time-out. Of course that didn't go ever too well either. It turned into a major tantrum at that point. A very long and very loud tantrum. I did not scream or yell or lose my cool. I was VERY firm. Maybe a bit too firm. Once H started calming down she said that she wouldn't do her time-out till I started talking nicely. So I guess my "firm" voice was a "mean" voice? Or maybe it was in her eyes? I'm not going to use this as an excuse to start over but more as something to learn from. My goal, my motto, is to Love Like A Hug. Hugs are firm. . . but they are also gentle and caring. I need to be more gentle and caring when disciplining. I have a ...

So I think this will be an ever evolving post. But it is a way for me to keep my thoughts together and help me remember my goal - raise good adults. So these are some things I want my girls to know and how I can start teaching them 1) Be self sufficient: this one isn't just about finances. It is also about being able to take care of yourself and future family. The value of hard work. The joy of learning. How to cook, clean, maintain your home/ the things you have. Basically, I need to start the girls on chores and need to push them more to clean up after themselves. And part of it is me taking a more pro-active role in doing the things that I don't want to do. And also talking to them about the importance of taking care of the things we already have. CHORES!!!!! 2) Take care of your body, you only have one. Eat healthy. Get plenty of exercise. Drink in moderation. Shower, brush your hair. Brush your teeth. I can do this by modeling my own habits a bit better and by enfo...

Day one - take two. I have to say that I am actually surprised that I didn't blow my lid today - it's not even noon though. The day started out very poorly because I (again) didn't show love in the way someone else needed it. So that basically ruined the morning and my mood. However, when H wasn't listening I gave a warning and then followed through with the time-out. It was a bit of a struggle at first. There was a lot of refusal and a lot of screaming. But none of the screaming came from me. Also, the screaming coming from H wasn't as long as it used to be. I think (maybe) she is learning that she won't get out of it. And (hopefully) she is learning that I'm going to remain calm and not engage. She eventually took her time out and was able to get up. I know it lasted less than 10 minutes - I think that it was closer to 5. The other good thing that has come out of these past few days is that I am much firmer with my rules and better at my follow throu...

Today hasn't ended yet. . . it's barely begun. . . but I've been tried and tested and I barely made it through. Part of it is that I am exhausted. I didn't get much sleep last night and that is on top of 4 years of very interrupted sleep. But the other part is that I give way too many chances. I threaten to do time out, but it takes me a while to follow through. But today I didn't give chances, I started the 1-2-3 magic program  . . . again! But I guess this time I have to follow through because I can't resort to yelling. I know that if I can be more consistent then the behaviors will change. Not that she will be perfect because she is still a kid, but with practiced discipline tools it will get easier. And I don't mind the actual discipline, it's the fight that goes along with it. I love hearing the stories of the families in 1-2-3 magic because they have figured out the discipline thing and the relationship is still in tact. I think that is the main go...

Somehow I made it through day 1.  . . and I am physically and mentally exhausted. It was a tough day and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would have yelled had I not promised myself that I wouldn't. But I didn't use any of my tips or tricks to help me not yell. I kept everything bottled up inside and I can feel the knots running up and down my back. I can feel the tightness in my jaw. I can feel my head pounding. I know why I yell now. I haven't learned to express my emotions in a healthy way. Whether it is nature or nurture, I am a bottler. I bottle everything up inside of me. Eventually when you shake the bottle enough, it will explode. I have used a few things in the past trying to help me not explode (alcohol, weed, essential oils, yoga, prayer) but none of these things actually helped because none of them actually helped me communicate my thoughts/feelings. They were just more ways to build the bottle bigger. But I don't need a bigger bottle. My bottle is...

Triggers are things that cause me to lose my cool. I have a lot of triggers. But I never really thought of myself as having triggers because a lot of things don't bother me. In some ways, I am a very relaxed mom. I don't care about messes. I'm a virgo so I actually LIKE cleaning. It doesn't bother me to pick up shoes scattered around the house and put them back in the shoe box for the 100th time that day. That's a lie, my kids never really wear shoes, but this applies to picking up the same toys, or play-doh crumbles. I don't care what my kids wear when we go out. Want to wear a princess dress to the grocery store? Sure. Want to wear shorts and a tank top to church? No problem. As long as your butt is covered and you won't freeze to death, it's all fine with me. I had to think back on the past few days and see exactly where I lost my cool. It seemed that I got annoyed/frustrated/angry at the same things over and over again. These are my "triggers...

Kids are awesome. Raising kids is tough. I've always considered myself to be a strong person. I've done what I wanted with my life even when it's not what my peers were doing. I got into a field of work that required a lot of emotional soul-searching on a regular basis. I stayed in that field of work for 15 years when the average is 2-3. I've moved many times, often far away from family and friends. I'm not a weak person. But raising kids has brought me to my knees time and time again. It has shown me where I'm failing as a person and as a mom. I've seen myself become someone I never wanted to be. I was easily frustrated, short tempered, condescending, grumpy, irritated, annoyed, exhausted, hungry, and I yelled far more often than I'd like to admit. And my kids are only 4 and 2; so I still have a long way to go. And I don't want to be this person any longer. I found myself desperately searching for something... anything...that would help calm m...