Day 1.2
Day one - take two.
I have to say that I am actually surprised that I didn't blow my lid today - it's not even noon though.
The day started out very poorly because I (again) didn't show love in the way someone else needed it. So that basically ruined the morning and my mood. However, when H wasn't listening I gave a warning and then followed through with the time-out. It was a bit of a struggle at first. There was a lot of refusal and a lot of screaming. But none of the screaming came from me. Also, the screaming coming from H wasn't as long as it used to be. I think (maybe) she is learning that she won't get out of it. And (hopefully) she is learning that I'm going to remain calm and not engage. She eventually took her time out and was able to get up. I know it lasted less than 10 minutes - I think that it was closer to 5.
The other good thing that has come out of these past few days is that I am much firmer with my rules and better at my follow through with the discipline. I know that it is a bit late coming for H, but I am not going to make the same mistake with E. Granted, E is a much more pliable kid, and is much happier following the rules. However, when she isn't, I don't shy away from being firm with her about it. I also set boundaries much earlier than I ever did with H. She doesn't always like them, but I think she, too, is learning that I'm going to stand my ground. I guess that is how this parenting thing works, huh? Set boundaries - which I am terrible at doing - and follow through with discipline. Once they know you are serious they will naturally comply more. They will learn that you won't give in so they either fight and lose (ie: get in trouble) or they comply. But I have to remember that complying isn't about "breaking their spirit" which is kinda how I always felt before. I like the idea of "free-range" children. But even free-range children need structure and boundaries. Part of raising good people is for them to learn to respect other people's boundaries. If they don't learn that then they will not have happy relationships. And ultimately I want my children to be happy ADULTS. They will be adults far longer than they will be children. So it's important that they learn how to Adult.
Even though I didn't yell at my kids, I think I actually yelled a bit at M. I know my voice got louder than I wanted it to. I'm not going to count this as needed to start over though because that wasn't part of the original intent. I know that I need to learn to control myself with him too. I can't let his anger/frustration/hurt get me to react in a way that I don't like. I don't need to become someone I don't like or respect. So even though the original agreement was with the kids, I think that I should add him to the pact. Don't yell at anyone- ever. But I am going to start with 365 days. Unfortunately I don't have a strong and empowering saying that. I actually feel a bit defeated. I fell like I will never reach my goal. It feels completely unattainable. But even though I feel like that, I know that I still have to press on. I am doing this for my kids. I want them to grow up happy and confident and feeling loved. And part of that is learning how relationships work. They will only learn how they work but what they see. I need to model a good wife for them so they will grow to be good partners themselves. And so they will know what not to accept in their own life.
OK, so I guess I have to restart again tomorrow. I never screamed or yelled. I didn't swear to berate anyone. But I did resort to spanking. I know that wasn't originally part of my pact with myself, but it really just seems wrong. So while H went berzerk a few more times today, I never did throw a tantrum myself. However, when I couldn't get her to take her time out, I resorted to spanking. Not that it really ever works so I'm not sure why I actually do it. I guess that is kinda the point about why I want to stop doing that too. It is funny that once you are on the road to be a better person, you don't settle for much. You want to keep being a better person. And I want to be a better mom most, so I have to renegotiate the contract with myself and keep plugging away at it until I am the mom I actually want to be.
I'm not really that sad about having to start over yet again. I'm still just a work in progress.
I have to say that I am actually surprised that I didn't blow my lid today - it's not even noon though.
The day started out very poorly because I (again) didn't show love in the way someone else needed it. So that basically ruined the morning and my mood. However, when H wasn't listening I gave a warning and then followed through with the time-out. It was a bit of a struggle at first. There was a lot of refusal and a lot of screaming. But none of the screaming came from me. Also, the screaming coming from H wasn't as long as it used to be. I think (maybe) she is learning that she won't get out of it. And (hopefully) she is learning that I'm going to remain calm and not engage. She eventually took her time out and was able to get up. I know it lasted less than 10 minutes - I think that it was closer to 5.
The other good thing that has come out of these past few days is that I am much firmer with my rules and better at my follow through with the discipline. I know that it is a bit late coming for H, but I am not going to make the same mistake with E. Granted, E is a much more pliable kid, and is much happier following the rules. However, when she isn't, I don't shy away from being firm with her about it. I also set boundaries much earlier than I ever did with H. She doesn't always like them, but I think she, too, is learning that I'm going to stand my ground. I guess that is how this parenting thing works, huh? Set boundaries - which I am terrible at doing - and follow through with discipline. Once they know you are serious they will naturally comply more. They will learn that you won't give in so they either fight and lose (ie: get in trouble) or they comply. But I have to remember that complying isn't about "breaking their spirit" which is kinda how I always felt before. I like the idea of "free-range" children. But even free-range children need structure and boundaries. Part of raising good people is for them to learn to respect other people's boundaries. If they don't learn that then they will not have happy relationships. And ultimately I want my children to be happy ADULTS. They will be adults far longer than they will be children. So it's important that they learn how to Adult.
Even though I didn't yell at my kids, I think I actually yelled a bit at M. I know my voice got louder than I wanted it to. I'm not going to count this as needed to start over though because that wasn't part of the original intent. I know that I need to learn to control myself with him too. I can't let his anger/frustration/hurt get me to react in a way that I don't like. I don't need to become someone I don't like or respect. So even though the original agreement was with the kids, I think that I should add him to the pact. Don't yell at anyone- ever. But I am going to start with 365 days. Unfortunately I don't have a strong and empowering saying that. I actually feel a bit defeated. I fell like I will never reach my goal. It feels completely unattainable. But even though I feel like that, I know that I still have to press on. I am doing this for my kids. I want them to grow up happy and confident and feeling loved. And part of that is learning how relationships work. They will only learn how they work but what they see. I need to model a good wife for them so they will grow to be good partners themselves. And so they will know what not to accept in their own life.
OK, so I guess I have to restart again tomorrow. I never screamed or yelled. I didn't swear to berate anyone. But I did resort to spanking. I know that wasn't originally part of my pact with myself, but it really just seems wrong. So while H went berzerk a few more times today, I never did throw a tantrum myself. However, when I couldn't get her to take her time out, I resorted to spanking. Not that it really ever works so I'm not sure why I actually do it. I guess that is kinda the point about why I want to stop doing that too. It is funny that once you are on the road to be a better person, you don't settle for much. You want to keep being a better person. And I want to be a better mom most, so I have to renegotiate the contract with myself and keep plugging away at it until I am the mom I actually want to be.
I'm not really that sad about having to start over yet again. I'm still just a work in progress.
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