Week 5

It seems like I have found myself pregnant again - for the fourth time. Unfortunately I only have two live children. My last pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage. The baby passed at 6 weeks, but I didn't find out until week 10. It was another two weeks before my body finally passed the baby - week 12. The week when you are pretty much "out of the woods"

So now at week 5, I'm finding it impossible to really believe that I am pregnant with a live being. I don't have any faith in my body any more. And every ping, pang, and zing has me convinced that the miscarriage has started. But a part of me doesn't believe that I will actually have a regular miscarriage. IF I have another one, it will be another missed MC. My body really likes being pregnant and it will do everything it can to hold onto that. Last time my MC didn't start until my brain knew it was over. It was a classic case of your brain convincing your body.

The past few days I was feeling nauseated, but today I haven't felt any at all. I think that this is the beginning of the end of things for this pregnancy. I have an appointment at 8 weeks this time. So if things aren't progressing then at least I will know sooner. But I am secretly hoping that I will get to meet this little bean. I'm doing this whole love challenge in part for him or her too. So that he won't have to experience what my other girls did.

I need to do better. I need to be better. I want another chance to do things right.

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