Day 2

Today hasn't ended yet. . . it's barely begun. . . but I've been tried and tested and I barely made it through. Part of it is that I am exhausted. I didn't get much sleep last night and that is on top of 4 years of very interrupted sleep. But the other part is that I give way too many chances. I threaten to do time out, but it takes me a while to follow through. But today I didn't give chances, I started the 1-2-3 magic program  . . . again! But I guess this time I have to follow through because I can't resort to yelling. I know that if I can be more consistent then the behaviors will change. Not that she will be perfect because she is still a kid, but with practiced discipline tools it will get easier. And I don't mind the actual discipline, it's the fight that goes along with it. I love hearing the stories of the families in 1-2-3 magic because they have figured out the discipline thing and the relationship is still in tact. I think that is the main goal of all this. Get the kids to listen and behave, but not break down the relationship when they don't.

I'm looking at the Orange Rhino Website and am looking at her alternatives to yelling; it seems that a lot of the ideas are for older kids - which seems strange since her kids were the same age as my kids when she started.  Or maybe it's not that they were younger but just that she yells at different things. I get the most frustrated when my kid is showing strong negative emotions. I know that I have a hard time when anyone else shows negative emotions. I think part of it is that I have negative experience with negative emotions and part of it is that I have a really hard time expressing negative emotions.

Some things that seem like they might work for me and my kids:

• clapping
• robot voice
• blowing bubbles
• say "I love you, I love you, I love you"
• Drink a glass of water
• Count to 10. . . or 100
• Journal

OK. . . so I hate to write this SO early, but I need to reset my count tomorrow. It wasn't really all that bad. . . and I didn't actually yell. . . some people might not even reset their counts because of this. . . But I was trading a bowl of ice with H and she dropped the bowl into the pool. So the ice couldn't be eaten and I had to (gasp) go inside and get more ice (the horror!) I said "god damn it". I said it in a normal tone and I didn't say anything else after it. H didn't seem that bothered by it and asked if I was mad at her to which I, of course, replied no I was mad at the ice. But I think it was significant enough that it merits a restart. I know it's ok to get frustrated; and I am only human so things like this will slip out. BUT, I really don't need to react like that to something so insignificant. The mom I want to be doesn't react like that to something so small. Had she spilled a gallon of milk on the floor I wouldn't have said that. But I was short tempered from lack of sleep and for having to walk the 20 feet back inside the house that I reacted poorly. 

But the thing is, I'm not really all that sad about starting over. I'm not beating myself up about it. I'm not crying or hovering in a corner about how I've failed her. I completely moved on once I decided to restart. It's like the first step in letting go of my old angry mom-self and totally embracing the new mom-me. I feel bad that she questioned my reaction, but also a bit proud that she wanted clarification. I never would have done that. I would have held it in and felt bad about the experience all day. But she has more EQ at 3 than I do at 37! I'm so proud of her. But that high EQ is exactly why we butt heads so often. She is more sensitive and needy than I feel comfortable with. But that goes back to God giving you the people in your life that you NEED, not necessarily the people that you want. 

The other thing about today that really stuck out to me is that I don't feel so tense and stressed. It wasn't that hard keeping it together today. Despite the exhaustion, despite the issues starting our day, despite the typical three-nager attitude; I didn't have to fight to stop myself from yelling. It was almost like it was a given. I just wasn't going to yell. It just wasn't going happen. So despite having to restart tomorrow I think that it was a really good day 2.