Second Chances
It seems strange that my having a third kid feels like a second chance at becoming a mom. I'm already a mom two times over, so that statement probably doesn't make any sense, but it's how I feel. And that probably has more to do with my recent miscarriage and the possibility of losing this one after a super scary bleeding scenario.
On Saturday morning I was laying in bed waiting for the miscarriage to start after having experienced a big gush of bright red blood. It was scary on so many levels. The first was that I was expecting to lose another baby - a baby that I want more than anything. The second was the fear that I might not be able to have any more kids. The third was the imminent pain - the first was very painful and that baby only measured 6 weeks. I couldn't imagine the pain coming for a baby measuring 10 weeks. I was also terrified that I might actually SEE the baby too. That would be devastating.
But after about two hours of laying around with nothing starting I visited google and found a lot of interesting things. Usually google is not your friend and can easily convince even the most laid back person that they were dying; but in this case, I became convinced that I was going to be ok and that I only had an SCH (I didn't actually, but it was a better alternative to my original thought.) I also remembered that I had a fetal doppler, so I got out of bed and decided to try it. I wasn't really expecting much because I wasn't entirely sure the baby was still alive, but I am also still early and it can be really hard to pick up a fetal heartbeat this early. But I found it!!!! It was quiet and only lasted for a second, but I knew it when I heard it.
I still made an appointment for the dr but I regularly checked that little heart to make sure it was still ticking away. And when I went to the Dr, the first thing I saw was the little bean waving to me. I saw that before I even saw the heart. It was almost as if he were saying "hi mom, I'm here, don't worry" He kicked around for a few minutes longer than fell asleep. The dr kept the monitor on so I could watch the heart for a bit longer.
And I have to say, that thinking you are losing your baby, then learning that everything is "ok" is a miraculous feeling. It really is like being given a second chance at life. I know that I wanted both of my girls, and the thought of losing them during pregnancy made me very sad, but I don't think that I wanted them THIS much. It's really hard to explain because I love my girls more than anything, and even though they are very different, I don't love one more than the other. I deeply cherish the moments that I spend with them. But somehow this feeling of WANTING this baby to be here on earth with me is stronger than what I felt when I was pregnant with the girls. I think part of it has to do with the previous miscarriage and actually losing a baby - something that didn't happen before I had the girls. I never experienced a loss of a child before. And when faced with the possibility of losing another one my mind completely shuts down.
The possible loss of this baby was much harder for me to take than the actual loss of the other one. And the possible loss made me feel more inadequate than the actual loss. But knowing that this baby is still here, still growing and changing, and still alive, makes me want to be a better mom for him and for my girls that are already here. I want to be the best mom I can be. I have always wanted to be a good mom, everyone wants to be a good mom. But I didn't really have a driving force to do it in a way that I do now. My girls were a good reason, they were the reason I started the blog. The reason I get up in the morning. The reason I started my journey to begin with. But they aren't the gas that keeps me pushing forward to be even better than better.
My girls deserve a great mom because they are great kids. And I have to remember that too. They are amazing kids. And now that we have gotten past the terrible threes (way worse than two!) I can see the beautiful person that my little H is growing into. The very active and vibrant, and playful girl who always has a story to tell. And now that we are heading into the more difficult time with E, I need to remember the soft and gentle nature that she has. The desire to listen and to love and to be loved. My little helper right from the start. It can be really hard to see your kids as individual people, people with their own personalities, their own thoughts, their own future - separate from yours. But as I am starting to see it more and more, I am starting to fall in love with them all over again. And not a mother's love, because that was always there, but a love deeper than that. Because I know all the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. I can see how it all fits together so perfectly. I'm not sure what I feel about God, but it's how I imagine God would feel about us.
On Saturday morning I was laying in bed waiting for the miscarriage to start after having experienced a big gush of bright red blood. It was scary on so many levels. The first was that I was expecting to lose another baby - a baby that I want more than anything. The second was the fear that I might not be able to have any more kids. The third was the imminent pain - the first was very painful and that baby only measured 6 weeks. I couldn't imagine the pain coming for a baby measuring 10 weeks. I was also terrified that I might actually SEE the baby too. That would be devastating.
But after about two hours of laying around with nothing starting I visited google and found a lot of interesting things. Usually google is not your friend and can easily convince even the most laid back person that they were dying; but in this case, I became convinced that I was going to be ok and that I only had an SCH (I didn't actually, but it was a better alternative to my original thought.) I also remembered that I had a fetal doppler, so I got out of bed and decided to try it. I wasn't really expecting much because I wasn't entirely sure the baby was still alive, but I am also still early and it can be really hard to pick up a fetal heartbeat this early. But I found it!!!! It was quiet and only lasted for a second, but I knew it when I heard it.
I still made an appointment for the dr but I regularly checked that little heart to make sure it was still ticking away. And when I went to the Dr, the first thing I saw was the little bean waving to me. I saw that before I even saw the heart. It was almost as if he were saying "hi mom, I'm here, don't worry" He kicked around for a few minutes longer than fell asleep. The dr kept the monitor on so I could watch the heart for a bit longer.
And I have to say, that thinking you are losing your baby, then learning that everything is "ok" is a miraculous feeling. It really is like being given a second chance at life. I know that I wanted both of my girls, and the thought of losing them during pregnancy made me very sad, but I don't think that I wanted them THIS much. It's really hard to explain because I love my girls more than anything, and even though they are very different, I don't love one more than the other. I deeply cherish the moments that I spend with them. But somehow this feeling of WANTING this baby to be here on earth with me is stronger than what I felt when I was pregnant with the girls. I think part of it has to do with the previous miscarriage and actually losing a baby - something that didn't happen before I had the girls. I never experienced a loss of a child before. And when faced with the possibility of losing another one my mind completely shuts down.
The possible loss of this baby was much harder for me to take than the actual loss of the other one. And the possible loss made me feel more inadequate than the actual loss. But knowing that this baby is still here, still growing and changing, and still alive, makes me want to be a better mom for him and for my girls that are already here. I want to be the best mom I can be. I have always wanted to be a good mom, everyone wants to be a good mom. But I didn't really have a driving force to do it in a way that I do now. My girls were a good reason, they were the reason I started the blog. The reason I get up in the morning. The reason I started my journey to begin with. But they aren't the gas that keeps me pushing forward to be even better than better.
My girls deserve a great mom because they are great kids. And I have to remember that too. They are amazing kids. And now that we have gotten past the terrible threes (way worse than two!) I can see the beautiful person that my little H is growing into. The very active and vibrant, and playful girl who always has a story to tell. And now that we are heading into the more difficult time with E, I need to remember the soft and gentle nature that she has. The desire to listen and to love and to be loved. My little helper right from the start. It can be really hard to see your kids as individual people, people with their own personalities, their own thoughts, their own future - separate from yours. But as I am starting to see it more and more, I am starting to fall in love with them all over again. And not a mother's love, because that was always there, but a love deeper than that. Because I know all the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. I can see how it all fits together so perfectly. I'm not sure what I feel about God, but it's how I imagine God would feel about us.
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